Looking for the Mountain Top

Myths and truths about mental illness: Myths: - a person should be able to pray their way out of it - it's just the result of sin - just serve others and you'll feel better - you can snap out if it if you wanted to - we all understand what you're going through because we've felt sad or stressed too - if you were worthy of God's love then you'd feel it - you just need an attitude adjustment  - it's my fault my loved one is struggling with this - we should be afraid of the mentally ill - kids don't have mental illness; we just use that as an excuse for bad behavior  Truths:  - it causes family members frustration, guilt, anger, isolation - when you struggle with it you rarely feel love, peace, the Spirit - it's a disease and should be treated like one - spiritual and medical help are both great healing tools - it's not laziness - it's not a character flaw - emotional support from loved ones can give the sufferer hope - it takes time - it gets b...

When I was a young adult, I noticed a frustrating pattern in my life that I felt probably wasn't a coincidence. I noticed it when I would try to donate blood, but I would get turned away for various reasons. I noticed it when in the span of a few months, I had scheduled a date to watch the children of three siblings overnight, but every single time I got sick with a nasty cold or bug the day before and had to cancel.  When I had the desires to serve, I couldn't. Something stopped me.  It's only gotten worse. The past couple years have been horrendous for my mental and physical health. I had to ask for a calling change. I cancelled all my free tutoring sessions. I permanently closed the scholarship program I had started. All the good I was doing in life was slipping away.  I still haven't found an answer to what's going on with my body, but i'm finally feeling some peace about the pattern of not being able to do as much good around me. Not being able to do as mu...

Seeing my brother in those suffering from drug and alcohol abuse and homelessness. Seeing my mother in those struggling with chronic health issues. In those who choose to leave the church, and even harbor bitterness, seeing a sister who's sensitive feelings have been hurt.  I have a lot of brothers and sisters. 11 to be exact. So when I hear the term "brotherly kindness" in the scriptures, it's easy for me to think of how much I love every one of my siblings and to feel that kindness towards them.  The interesting thing is, with so many siblings, we have become a diverse bunch. Some of us live out of the country. Some of us have married people of different nationalities and races. A few siblings have left the church, with varying levels of animosity. I love each of them so much.  One of my brothers has taught me more about brotherly kindness than most people get to learn in their lifetime. This brother spent a bit of time in jail. This brother lied to us all. This bro...

Anxiety and depression are like the mist of darkness. Even when you're holding onto that rod, you can be shut out of the light. You don't feel the love of God- you don't feel love from anyone, probably. It's not fair. It's not fun, especially when someone from outside the darkness is trying to tell you how wonderful the sunshine is, or expresses that you feel love when you are righteous, or gives you advice when they've never been in it.  The most useful thing I told myself when I recognized I was in the mist, was to not harden my heart. That became my motto. I had seen family members and friends who, during a depressive or anxious episode of life, had felt abandoned, angry, offended, victimized, felt all the injustice ever committed by any member or leader of the church, and left the rod of iron. But even if I couldn't feel the spirit, I could keep on. Eventually, my anxiety got better with help and medication. And because I made a conscious effort to not h...

Some of us are unlucky enough to have felt the pain of losing someone to suicide. There can be pretty severe guilt because we weren't there for them in their pain or death. But we aren't Jesus, we can't go to our Lazarus and bring him back to life, back to joy. But the Savior can. Even after a person dies, they still have a Savior, right? Isn't that the miracle of Lazarus - that Jesus's power works beyond the veil of death? It's okay to feel guilt, but we shouldn't think we were the ones that were supposed to save our dear friend or brother. That's always been Jesus's job, and it still is. 

Just a word to other back row worshippers like myself: please keep being there at church. Please.  When I was struggling, I felt like I didn't fit it. Church was uncomfortable, probably because I was around people that fit the mold that I would never fit but still wanted so badly to fit. Those other families that were struggling became my rock. I saw you there. I felt like I could be myself around you. I went to you for advice. I thought 'if she's struggling but still here, then there's hope for me.'   I'm sorry if I used to judge you before as inconsistent or not totally committed to the cause of the gospel. Now I see that you are so committed that you do show up, even with much harder physical, mental, and spiritual struggles than I'll ever know.  Thank you for lending me a little bit of strength in my time of need. I needed you and you were there. Thank you.