Looking for the Mountain Top

One night after the kids were in bed, I let myself feel the emotions that I'd been hiding all day long. Feelings of inadequacy took me to my knees in prayer. I'd always dreamed of having 4 or 5 kids. I'd always imagined I'd be a fun, energetic mom that was always teaching her children. Instead I had two children, I was constantly fighting fatigue, and YouTube was the kids' teacher. I prayed. I asked what the future of our family would be like. Would there be more children? Could I ever get to a point when I could handle even one more? Or even handle the two I'd been blessed with? I said "amen" and wearily started climbing into bed. Before my head hit the pillow, a distinct thought came to my mind: 'read the story of the widow's mite'. I recognized immediately that the thought didn't originate in my own head, so I quickly opened up my scripture app on my phone and read from Mark chapter 12: 41 And Jesus sat over against the treasury, and...

We can't be pure in heart if we don't see ourselves as we are seen. We can't be pure in heart if we don't put our trust in God. We can't be pure in heart if we are envious of others, unkind to others, or insensitive to their needs. Our relationship with all three - ourselves, God, and others - need to be filled with charity if we want to be part of zion. 

I'm starting to see my life's purpose as building zion from within and around me. I believe Heavenly Father will give me the opportunities and learning experiences I personally need to accomplish that purpose. With chronic fatigue and mental and physical health complications, I've found that my way of building zion within and around me is changing. I can't do so much. I can't serve so much. But now I have to take time to rest, so I can spend a lot more time studying, pondering, and understanding the people around me. I'm getting acquainted with my heart; seeing the imperfections that a busy life would have kept hidden. I'm seeing the struggling, stressed out mom down the street and recognizing the signs of depression and anxiety in others. I have a long ways to go in understanding my role in the kingdom, but I'm grateful for the impetus that is bringing me closer to that understanding. 

I needed a break the other day, so I left the kids with my husband and went for a quick bike ride. After about a mile, my chain fell off. I jumped down and fixed it and jumped back on. Then when I was just getting back to my neighborhood, I got a flat tire. I was frustrated for a few seconds, but there was nothing I could do but walk it home, and since I was out for a break from kids, it didn't matter if it took me a few extra minutes.  I always used to think of challenges in life as a lesson I needed to learn. If I could fix the chain quick, or learn the life lesson, then I could hop back on and be on my way. But what about the flat tires? I couldn't fix it, all I could do is walk it. I could be angry, I could envy those zipping by on their perfect bikes. I could give up. But instead I walked it home. As I walked I thought about the challenges my life was presenting me with. Challenges that aren't fair, and don't seem to have a lesson other than 'life is hard.'...

I got to the mission knowing very minimal spanish, but I worked hard, studied hard, and improved very quickly. I was very obedient, and willing to do anything I needed to do to be a good missionary. My trainer predicted I would train 4 missionaries. I felt that it was prophecy - I would be a trainer.  I never did train anyone. My very last transfer I was put with another very experienced missionary. It was a fun way to finish my mission, but disappointing for my ego's sake. I just knew my mission president had no confidence in me, which probably meant God had no confidence in me either.  It's been a decade. Coming down with fatigue,  anxiety, severe allergies, and other symptoms has bruised my ego again. My patriarchal blessing says that I won't hold any high positions of leadership. I'm finally confident enough in myself that i'm okay with that. And looking back on my mission, I see now that my last companion needed me for emotional support reasons. What an honor! ...

I've found the key to my happiness It's simply that I strive to fulfill my mission  No grief, no anxiety, no trouble with children,  No divorce, disease, violence against me No debt or prison or torture will scare me For the greatest fear I have is that I won't do His will But that's in my control, even if nothing else is. Where there's a commandment there's a way.  Even if that way is strewn with suffering and death and illness of mind and body, it's the desert chosen for me to walk through and the only prize I care about is knowing I've done what my Father needed me to do. That's greater than any fearless paradise without a purpose.  I just need to be useful. I just need to know i'm doing what He wants me to do. 

Sometimes the circumstances in our lives do not seem coincidental. Sometimes it's in a miraculous blessing that increases our faith that Heavenly Father knows us personally.  One time, my circumstances were pretty hard to accept, but I knew it wasn't a coincidence. When my husband and I married, we knew we wanted 4 to 6 children. I have a deep love of the gospel, so I was excited at the prospect of raising children full of faith. After our first, we experienced infertility. After our miraculous second baby, my health declined. Perplexing symptoms affected my physical and mental health, while making motherhood much more of a challenge. It felt as if someone was trying to pulverize me into the ground and crush my dreams along with my mind and body.  I came to realize that I could easily give up my dreams. I knew my challenges weren't a coincidence, which meant only one thing: the change in my trajectory was Heavenly Father's way of guiding me into my own personal niche in...