Not a Leader

I got to the mission knowing very minimal spanish, but I worked hard, studied hard, and improved very quickly. I was very obedient, and willing to do anything I needed to do to be a good missionary. My trainer predicted I would train 4 missionaries. I felt that it was prophecy - I would be a trainer. 

I never did train anyone. My very last transfer I was put with another very experienced missionary. It was a fun way to finish my mission, but disappointing for my ego's sake. I just knew my mission president had no confidence in me, which probably meant God had no confidence in me either. 

It's been a decade. Coming down with fatigue,  anxiety, severe allergies, and other symptoms has bruised my ego again. My patriarchal blessing says that I won't hold any high positions of leadership. I'm finally confident enough in myself that i'm okay with that. And looking back on my mission, I see now that my last companion needed me for emotional support reasons. What an honor! If I can be trusted to help those wonderful people who are doing the Lord's work while suffering emotionally, then I'm happy to serve in that way. Because too many fall away when they feel judgement and lack of support while dealing with life's challenges. 

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